not enough.

three kids has not been a big deal. two was a big deal to me. three, not so much. i'm already staying at home with kids, so that's not an adjustment. i already have mountains of laundry, so that's no biggie. i've had two babies, so i know how to roll with it when she's crying...and sometimes, i just let her cry (something i never did with my boys) because i have to get the dinner made, or i have to get isaac to school, or i have to brush noah's teeth. so three? it's not as bad as i was expecting.


three kids has been a huge deal to noah. i thought he was handling it pretty well, as i have made a conscious effort to make the transition as smooth as possible. but there are still times when he needs something, and he has to wait because i'm feeding the baby, or in the middle of a diaper change, or something along those lines. but no matter what is happening, if isaac hears zoe, he runs to her aid...which means noah gets left behind a lot. if they're in the middle of a video game, wrestling match, scream fight, it doesn't matter. if isaac hears zoe, he leaves noah. and it's breaking noah's heart...and mine.

he's acting out. not against zoe--he's incredibly sweet to her, despite the fact that it's her taking attention away from him. but he has starting bugging isaac incessantly. he has always known how to push isaac's buttons. it must be a little brother thing? but it's getting infinitely worse each day. noah is no longer isaac's favorite sibling, and noah can tell. so he follows him around, takes his stuff, hits him, sits on him, whatever it takes to get isaac to pay attention to him. and i don't know how to fix it.

when zoe was born, my mother-in-law came out to help for a week. more than help me, she helped noah in this transitory time. she played with him all day, every day, and he loved the attention. when he found out she was coming back for zoe's blessing, he was so excited (but a little nervous that he might have to give up his bed again--he didn't).

he has started having panic attacks if we leave him alone for any amount of time. usually we bathe both boys at the same time, in separate baths. when i get him in the bath and leave to get isaac's bath ready, he has a total conniption. he is feeling abandoned.

the other day he was acting up yet again, and i sent him to his bed for some alone time. he hates to be alone. so i went in with him and laid by him. as we laid there, he snuggled up to me and i started talking to him about when he was a baby. i described his first smile, and how he loved his binky, and how i could just lay him down and he would go right to sleep. i talked about when he learned to crawl how excited i was because isaac never crawled. i told him stories about noah. he laid there, very still, absolutely riveted, with a slight smile on his face. and that's when i realized: no matter how much i've done to help him right now, it's not enough. he needs more.

i don't have more. i don't know how to give him more when there is nothing more to give. i guess this is the challenge of parenthood--trying to find what your child needs and giving it to him as best you can. today dave took him on a "date", just the two of them, and i'm hoping he'll get home and be happy with that one-on-one time. but he misses isaac. he doesn't want to just go on a date with dad, he wants isaac to come. and isaac wants to stay with zoe.

i do not know how to make my offering enough. i don't know how to make isaac remember that he loves noah too. and so i hope, and i pray, and i do the best i can. and maybe dave and God can make up what i can't give.

Released

hen Dave was called into the Bishopric a few weeks ago, both our new Stake President and our new Bishop suggested that I get released from Primary. The burden of both of those callings in one family is a lot. I had mixed emotions about it, knowing that we couldn't both go to the before-church meetings (ward council) twice a month without family around to help take care of the kids; but other than that, I felt confident that I could handle it and did not want to be released.

Our first week at church with Dave on the stand and me alone with the kids was interesting. The kids were pretty good during Sacrament meeting, but then the next two hours are a blur. Zoe wouldn't go to nursery and when I forced the issue, she screamed and screamed and screamed. So I passed off my responsibilities on my counselors and secretary and spent some time in nursery. One of my primary teachers had called in sick that day so I asked one of my counselors to take her class after a few phone calls. She said she would look at the lesson at church but I had already read the lesson and knew it would take some preparation from home. I prepared the lesson and brought it to her. The third hour of church began with me handing off the lesson materials to my counselor and discovering that my two Pyrex 9x13 pans (which she needed for her lesson) were stuck together. I couldn't think of how to get them apart but it was time for me to conduct Senior Primary so I hurried into the room, tugging at the two pans. Some of the kids came up to help and as I held the top pan, they pulled on the bottom. Moments later, the bottom pan shattered into a million pieces. I had a million tiny shards of glass in my hands, as did lots of other kids. A big shard was sticking out of my foot. And then I looked over and realized one of the older girls had a very big cut on her hand and was bleeding profusely. Her parents don't come to church so my secretary took charge and got her grandma to come help. The cut was wide and deep and I was sure she would need stitches. While the other kids and adults in primary cleaned up the glass, and a cute boy ran to get the vacuum to vacuum up the rest, I tried to get the glass out of my hands and foot. During this time it was also discovered that Zoe wasn't in nursery and wasn't found for almost 10 minutes (she was with our Primary chorister, totally safe, she was just so sad in nursery that she went with her to help in Young Women's for a minute).


ll of this was a very clear indicator: I couldn't do it. 



I could not be Primary President while my husband wasn't able to help with our kids. I came home from church that day and cried for a solid hour. Out of embarrassment, out of frustration for my stupidity, out of sadness. I have been in Primary since before Isaac was born. I loved being Primary President. About 6 months ago my friend Yolanda asked how I do it and if it is really hard for me. The honest answer is "No, it is not hard." The blessings our family has received from me serving in this calling are innumerable. I have held every calling in primary from nursery leader to teacher to chorister to secretary to second counselor to first counselor to president. The only thing missing is pianist, and that's not coming my way anytime soon. My experience in primary made being president kind of fun--because I got to pass off the less fun tasks. Heh heh. Also...I just really like it. I don't know how to describe it. I think there are things I could have done better, but also I'm really proud of how laid back I have been. Primary can be incredibly stressful--trying to get 10 classes covered every week is the bane of Primary's existence. It's very hard to find people willing to serve in Primary that will be there every week to help teach the children. There were several weeks when only 3 teachers showed up. Almost every week there is at least one last-minute sickness. Trying to find people to help in nursery (for kids aged 18 months to 3 years old) is an impossibility at the last minute. I have taught classes last minute myself when nothing else could be done. And I have loved it.

I knew this release was coming. My husband wouldn't (couldn't) tell me who was taking my place but I felt confident that my friend and secretary Mikelle would be taking my place, and I was right. I knew she would do a great job--much better than me--but for some reason, it has been hard knowing I was going to have to pass this off.

I am so grateful for the past year and a half as Primary President. I have learned a lot. I enjoyed going to meetings and seeing first-hand the effort that so many people put in to make a ward run smoothly. I loved those kids. I LOVE those kids that I served. I prayed for them every day and they occupied a good deal of my thoughts over the past year. I love the teachers that faithfully came with prepared lessons each week. I love our chorister and pianist. I love that it takes so many people to make primary run and I got to be a part of it for a little while. There are a few things that I regret, that I wish I had handled differently. But I wouldn't change those experiences because of what I learned from them. I have been snubbed, yelled at, and talked about. I have been embraced and encouraged and complimented and loved. During our Primary Program a few weeks ago, a friend of ours leaned over to Dave and told him I was the "Michael Jordan of Primary Presidents." The thought makes me laugh out loud, but the sentiment, meaning I try hard and do my best, is something I would like to think is true. So many people helped me along the way. Neither of my counselors were there today when we were released, but I want them to know that their support of me and their willingness to do anything I asked was the greatest blessing of the past 18 months. They are terrific women.

As Primary President I learned that life carries on, and that doing our duty is important. Two days before Easter, on Good Friday, I had a miscarriage.  The next day was a big ward Easter party that the Primary was in charge of. This was an assignment that I couldn't pass off, and so with a broken heart, I did my duty. Knowing that the Lord could rely on me even when my heart was heavy is a knowledge I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I know that I can do hard things, and this calling helped teach me that.

The new Primary Presidency is fantastic and those kids are so lucky to have them. And since they lost about half of their teachers to new callings today, I'm happy to pass off the mantle of Primary President to Mikelle.

My friend Natalie wrote a post a few years ago when she was released as the Relief Society President. She posted this picture and said,

James Christensen entitled (the painting) The Responsible Woman; I know just how she feels - more than merely juggling all that she carries, she is flying with her varied load; the baby, candles, keys, needles and thread, the dog, a clock, the broom, the mandolin, flowers, feathers, silverware, a kettle and a candle - each symbolizes a realm of her responsibilities. Her head is high and her face reflects an air of tranquil and confident determination; she is beautiful. 

While I did not handle all of my responsibilities with this grace, I learned better how to manage my time, how to juggle lots of assignments, and how to do my best. Despite a few missteps, I feel like I learned more than I taught, and that is time well spent.

question of the week: stick shift

emilie posted about driving a stick shift today on her blog and thinking about learning to drive a stick made me burst out laughing.

do you know how to drive a stick?

******

image stolen from emilie

i'll never forget the first time i tried. my sister ellen's boyfriend in high school, bobby, had a blue truck that was covered with bumper stickers (things like "tool", etc.) and was a stick. bobby never let anybody drive his truck but he wanted me to learn so one day he got it in his head to teach me. so for some reason, ellen decided to come with us but the truck only had a bench seat. i was probably about 4'10" at the time and bobby was 6'2" at least, so pulling the seat close enough for me to reach the pedals meant bobby was scrunched into a ball taking up all the extra room, so ellen sat in the back. like, in the bed of the truck. bobby was trying to teach me about the clutch and the brake, but i was not getting it. the fact that i could use both feet to drive and then also be steering and watching the road was too much for me, and as i was trying to turn around in our cul-de-sac i forgot that i could use the clutch and the brake at the same time and the truck started bouncing pretty seriously and stalling and i rammed the truck straight into the curb. poor ellen wasn't prepared for the force of the crash and her body slammed into the back window. it was so loud. bobby was yelling and he was so mad but i could not stop laughing.

bobby didn't let me try again. (ellen was okay, by the way.)

but now that i knew the basics of how to do it, i wanted to try again. my dad's car was a stick but it was a smaller, less-scary version of bobby's truck so one day i decided to try it on my own. before i got to my friend jewelene's house a few blocks away, i had it figured out.

it's been at least 10 years since i've driven a stick but i'm pretty sure i would be able to do it again with no problems. when we watched the amazing race this week i was shocked to see a grown man that doesn't know how to drive a stick. i'm just throwing this out there: if you would like to keep your man card, learn how to drive a manual transmission. it's not hard.

do you know how to drive a stick shift? when did you learn?

Buy All The Things

We filed our taxes pretty early this year but got a letter from the IRS saying they had to do some extra processing and wouldn't be able to do direct deposit and that a check would take 6-8 weeks. We finally got our check last week and Dave deposited it. I've been making lists of all the things we need to do. First thing: get Jonas moved out of our room. There are several things that have to happen first before that can happen, though. When we moved something happened to the bunk beds--either they got broken or set up wrong--and they're super unstable. It rocks like crazy so it's not safe to have anybody on top right now. So we have to figure out how to fix that. The bottom bunk needs a new mattress. We need bedding. Jonas is not sleeping well in the rock and play anymore, I think he just needs to move positions sometimes and since he can't he wakes up, which is not a great thing. It turns out I have a limit to how many times I can wake up in one night and still be sane and last night we passed that limit. I got up once with Finn and 10 times with Jonas so when he woke up again at 6:00 am I just left him there and got in the shower. Not fair to Dave who was still sleeping but it was one way I could guarantee Jonas's safety (heh). So I told Dave this morning I'm buying a mattress and the move is happening tonight.

And then Dave called from work. Apparently my name was on the check with his so we both had to sign it, and he just signed it and deposited it. So now the check is lost in limbo and we don't have our tax return.

Still.

I know it'll happen eventually but ugh....

We're also going to buy a new couch, I can't wait! And I'm still waiting to order my birthday furniture since, again, no tax return, but I was planning to buy a TV table. The one I found that I liked is 52 inches and our opening is only 51 inches so I'll have to find something else. We need outdoor tools as well, like a lawn mower, hedge trimmer, and leaf blower. I would like to get blinds for some of the windows in the house--or just install the ones I got for Christmas. We tried on Saturday but the guy who cuts them at Home Depot wasn't there so we're still waiting on that.

I really want to do a small bathroom remodel in our kids bathroom. The bathtub is super super gross so I don't know how expensive that would be to replace but at the least I want to replace the fixtures in the bath/shower and sink. Is it possible to replace the drain on a bathtub that's already installed? That's the worst part. I've scrubbed it and bleached it but whatever is on there is too gross to say and it won't come off, so I'd like to take that whole metal piece off and put a new one on, but it seems like that's part of the actual tub? We need a new toilet or new screws to help hold it in the ground because it moves; I'd like to paint the cabinets and get a real door instead of an accordion door for the bathroom closet. I also hate the tile around the edge of the shower and want to re-do that. It needs new paint and towel hooks too. If I'm dreaming I'd also say a new light fixture and find a way to frame the mirror.

I replaced those bulbs right after I took this picture...

The winds have really started so when Jonas goes down for his next nap I'm going to caulk Noah's window so we don't have to listen to that high-pitched keening (and Noah can sleep in warmth and peace). Our dishwasher doesn't really work so we took our friends old one (they were remodeling) so I've been watching videos this morning about how to remove and install a dishwasher. I found a centipede in the house last night and a spider this morning so I spent Jonas's morning nap spraying for bugs inside and out. I think I've been waiting to do all of this stuff at a time when I don't have the kids around but it's become apparent that that never happens, and it never will. So it's time to just do it. I'm excited to finally get some things done! Who knew owning a house would be so fun and so hard at the same time? But it's exciting to have new things on the horizon!

A Noah Update - 7 years old

Noah has had a loose tooth on the bottom for a few weeks now. He gets nervous about losing teeth because he really hates blood, but he was excited to lose a tooth and put his name on the wall in his first grade classroom. He has several "mouth tools" from Occupational Therapy that he chews on to help him stop licking his face (his face is so raw and sore and chapped, all over. The picture above was photoshopped by my friend Megan to hide it) and he's been using those tools to make his tooth looser. Then Thursday night he came running into my room to show me that it had fallen out, with help from a mouth tool! He was so excited but got really upset when I told him to rinse his mouth out (I swear there was just a little bit of blood!) and cried and cried. He decided not to put his tooth under his pillow that night so he could show it to his teacher as proof that he lost a tooth. Friday night the Tooth Fairy left a $10 bill under his pillow because I'm an idiot.

Noah loves Minecraft, Sonic the Hedgehog, Spiderman, and the Amazing World of Gumball (TV show). Our Wii isn't working so he plays a lot less on the ipad and Wii and a lot more in his imagination. He can climb up the wall all the way to the ceiling and does that all day long, pretending to be Spiderman. Normally it would bother me (you wouldn't believe how dirty the wall gets where he climbs!) but the pressure on his joints is good for him according to his therapist, so I encourage it as much as possible. I'll be sorry when he breaks his leg jumping down one of these days...His therapist has taught us terms like "You want your body to feel just right!" or "Your engine is really high!" and when we say those things he's more willing to do some of the exercises to help his body feel better and help his "engine" come down to a normal level. I feel like it's really helping. He still prefers not to wear a shirt at home but there are a few shirts he'll wear to school without a fight. We had a 504 meeting at the school and now Noah can chew gum in class and wear Crocs to PE without penalty. I'm really hopeful that we won't have to worry about this in 2nd grade.

Today was the Primary Program at church. It's the first primary program I haven't been involved in the program in over 9 years. It was so nice! Noah's part was, "After Jesus Christ and His apostles died, Gospel truths were lost." He memorized it weeks ago and said it perfectly today. He still really struggles with church clothes but as far as I could tell he remained clothed during Sacrament meeting without me next to him, so that's a win.

Noah got a bike for his birthday and has been riding it often with training wheels. He asked Dave to take the training wheels off this week but then realized he didn't know how to ride without them and kind of gave up. Then his friend Andrew invited him over to ride bikes so while I was getting ready to take him over there, he went out to the driveway and taught himself how to ride without them! Andrew's mom said Noah was riding all over the place like he'd been doing it forever. I'm so impressed! That's Noah for you. If he decides he wants to do something, he does it, no matter what. I love that about him.

I've started reading Harry Potter to him with a bribe of the Harry Potter Wii game when we're finished (he seems to have forgotten the Wii is broken at the moment...). He seems to like it but says sometimes he doesn't understand what's going on. Yesterday we watched the movie up until the point I had last read to him and it all seemed to make more sense. Maybe he's too young for Potter?

Noah is a classic middle child and our weekly trips to Albuquerque together have been so good for him. Noah and Isaac mostly play really well together, I love that they're such close brothers. He does not get along with Zoe at all, but that's to be expected with a brother and sister, right? He sleeps totally nude (yikes!) and snores like a bear. He always clears his plate after meals and says please and thank you. He's such a fun kid and I'm so glad that he's mine.

The Last Week of February...

...was maybe the craziest, busiest week of my life. The Wednesday before was the Pinewood Derby that I was in charge of, a whole story by itself so I had already had a crazy week. But this week? This one takes the cake. I had bought fabric to make Zoe's baptism quilt when we were in Albuquerque for New Year's. I knew my sewing machine was broken but didn't take it in to get fixed until February. I waited until February 20th and called to find out if it was ready and they said the computer was broken and it wasn't worth fixing. I posted on facebook to ask if anyone had a machine I could borrow and my sweet friend Bethany came through for me--and had the exact same machine as me! It was totally meant to be, I was so grateful I didn't have to learn how to use a new machine at the last minute.

I cut all the fabric on Saturday and decided I would start sewing on Sunday if I had the chance. Now most people can probably sew while their kids are awake, but I am not one of those people. I literally can't leave Finn and Jonas alone for a second (not even when I use the bathroom) or Finn will hurt him, so if my attention is diverted by sewing (which really takes all of my attention) it will be a disaster. So I could either sew when Dave was home or sew when they were asleep, those were my only options. That's what made this week so crazy I think.

I had sharing time in February and Finn is struggling as a new Sunbeam, so each week was just brutal. Sunday was no different and I finally asked the other counselor if she could take him to Dave and as she was pulling him out he was screaming "Help meeee!!! Help meeee!!!!!" It was just ridiculous! Sunday was insane. Zoe had a talk and her baptism interview. I had a primary teacher training immediately after church. Dave had to help with the stake mission prep class that day. He and Isaac had a fireside that night. Needless to say, I didn't get a chance to start sewing. My new friend offered at church to do my quilt edges for me--always the worst part for me. She said she sews a lot and would love to do that for me. I was thrilled and told her I'd try to get the quilt to her by Thursday so she'd have a few days to work on it. Go mode.

I took my kids Sunday clothes to the dry cleaners on Monday so they'd be pressed and nice looking for the baptism without me having to do it. Then I went home and brought Bethany's sewing machine out and found that the thing the thread sits on was broken off in the box. She said I could try super gluing it back on, and luckily that worked.

 I laid the quilt out on my bed and sewed as much as I could that day, and got all the rows done. I realized that night that I'd made a mistake and wasn't up to fixing it that night and gave up for the day.

Tuesday morning I went to Walmart to get stuff for Zoe's birthday and baptism and while I was there I got a phone call from Isaac's school that I accidentally declined. Dave called a few minutes later to tell me the school had called him because I wasn't there for my IEP meeting with Isaac's gifted teacher. I had known it was that day but when we initially scheduled it I told Dave I needed him to either stay home with the kids or go to the meeting because IEPs with Jonas and Finn are a nightmare and I've done too many of them to try it one more time. We didn't talk about it again and I put it out of my mind completely. Ugh. So Dave ran over to the school and did the meeting thankfully while I finished up at Walmart. Later that morning my friend Lacie just showed up at my door, sewing machine in hand. She helped me fix my mistake and then we sewed like crazy. Her daughter Mimi was here to play with Finn which was exactly what I needed. When I left to get my kids from school, Lacie stayed (her daughter goes to the school next door) and kept sewing. When we got back she was just finishing up--the whole top! It was done! I was so insanely grateful (especially when I found out later that she got super sick that evening and threw up all night. I felt awful but I'm still so grateful she was there to help). Zoe normally has tumbling on Tuesdays but my friend Tania was leaving out of town so this was the only day we had to take her baptism pictures. I hurriedly curled her hair and got her dressed in her baptism dress and left to meet her just as Lacie was leaving. I left Finn home with Noah and took Jonas with us to the pictures. Zoe hates having her hair curled and her picture taken and she was missing tumbling so she was super grumpy. I finally told her I would buy her Fratelli's if she would smile (and she thought I meant I would buy it that night) so she finally smiled once. Jonas didn't have shoes so I was carrying him through the dirt bike park trying to get Zoe to smile...not my favorite night.

After we were done with pictures I took her to the later tumbling class (15 minutes late!) and went back to Tania's to pick out pictures for her to edit and email me. Dave called (no dinner at home, ugh) and started making dinner, then I picked up Zoe at 6 and we went home. Dave took Noah to scouts and tried to drop off Zoe's girl scout cookie money. He's had a really bad/crazy few weeks at work and was super stressed and I felt so bad I was adding to that. Tania finished editing the pictures late that night and sent them to the Costco in St. George to get printed. My dad picked them up for me and brought them down, so we even had pictures of her at the baptism! My parents are the best. So is Tania.

Wednesday my sweet friend Bethany offered to have Finn over to play for the day so I could sew. She has a brand new baby and I was hesitant to take her up on it but she promised it would be fun and helpful. Then as I drove into her driveway she called and said her son had just thrown up at school and she had to go get him. She was still willing to have Finn, just warning me. I was torn because Finn was sooo excited to play and I was excited to have some sewing time but I didn't want anyone to get sick this week and be a burden to Bethany. I told her we'd run some errands and I'd let her know. We picked up the dry cleaning, ran to the store, and got some breakfast at McDonald's. Finn kept crying because he wanted to play with Jude so my selfishness won out and we took him to play. Jonas and I came home and I laid out the white fabric for the back on Zoe's quilt to cut and sew together and realized it was NOT quilt material. It was like sheer curtains material--it was all Walmart had when I went to buy it on Saturday and I didn't notice. So Jonas and I hopped in the car and flew to Gallup Service Mart for some $10/yard white fabric. Oy. We flew back home, I put Jonas down for a nap, and had to make a treat for the Priesthood/temple prep class that was that night at 7.  I also made the programs for the meeting that night.

Then I started cutting and sewing the back together (it was a pieced back because Zoe wanted some flowered fabric we'd found in Albuquerque but it was super expensive so I couldn't buy enough for the whole back--turns out it would've been cheaper to buy that because of how much money I wasted on the white fabric from Walmart and the expensive stuff from GSM). Jonas only slept for 45 minutes so I didn't get too much done but once the back was done I laid the quilt out and discovered I didn't have enough batting. OYYYYY!

I had measured initially but when we finished the top on Tuesday Lacie and I decided it wasn't big enough and added four more rows...making my batting too small. I called my friend Mikelle and she had some batting I could have so I drove to her house to get that, drove to Bethany's to get Finn, then picked up the elementary kids from the school.

Finn had so much fun at Jude's house he zonked on the way home!

We came home, I sewed the pieces of batting together and then I pinned it all together. I made dinner and some frosting for the brownies then Dave had to leave early for Priests presidency meeting. He had scheduled a baby-sitter to come to our house at 6:40 so Isaac, Noah and I could be at the church by 7:00 (Isaac is the Deacon's quorum president and had to speak and Noah turns 12 this year so he was supposed to be there, and I'm in the primary presidency and we were in charge of the whole meeting, Dave is the YM president so he had to be there too). We live 15 minute from the church and the sitter hadn't showed up so at 6:50 I loaded the kids in the car because we really couldn't be late. As I started driving away the brownies started sliding off my plate, all over Isaac's freshly dry-cleaned clothes (remember he was speaking that night? Yeah. Covered in chocolate frosting).  I told him I would hold the plate but that didn't make much difference because then they slid off all over me. I pulled over and opened the door and the brownies fell out on the street. I threw them back in the car and we kept going. Isaac and Noah ran in to the chapel while I tried to salvage the brownies that had been all over Isaac, all over me, all over the street, all over the car, and now all over the church parking lot. Dave came out while I yelled at him (not his fault, but man was I stressed) and took Zoe and the little boys to the nursery. I carried the demolished brownies in, cleaned up and finished setting up the decorations I had brought and just bawled. I kept thinking "I DO EVERYTHING RIGHT, WHY IS MY LIFE SO CRAPPY? I JUST NEED FAMILY HERE THAT'S ALL I NEED I JUST NEED TO LIVE NEAR FAMILY I HATE MY LIFE." So yeah, a bit melodramatic. I finally made it in to the meeting (Zoe "baby-sat" for me) and loved all the talks and the spirit that was there, especially when sweet Rhyan spoke about how I was feeling that night and made it all better (she didn't know, just the perfect talk for me). I took the kids home, put them to bed (Finn threw a tantrum and threw his bottle of chocolate milk which opened and spilled EVERYWHERE), and then quilted my quilt together. I was so relieved to be done so I could get it to my friend to finish the edges.

Thursday morning I called my friend and left a voicemail that the quilt was ready to bind and I could drop it off any time. I did some grocery shopping, then cleaned like a mad woman (my parents and 3 siblings were coming into town on Friday). I cleaned my fridge, did all the laundry, changed sheets, cleaned bathrooms, mopped floors. I took Zoe to tumbling, Dave had presidency meeting that night, and when I still hadn't heard from my friend I decided I had to just do the edges myself. Unfortunately I didn't realize that the back was not big enough to fold the edges over like I'd planned...but didn't realize until I'd already started doing it. I also cut the fabric several times when I was trying to trim the batting. I officially ruined it. It was so bad and I cried. I also poked my fingers a thousand times with the pins and bled on the quilt a few times. Gross. I had spent so much time and money and I wanted it to be decent, but at that point I decided I just wanted to finish it. I did my best but it really looks awful. SO embarrassing.

Luckily Zoe hasn't seemed to notice (yet).  I finished that night around 11. Dave decorated the house for Zoe's birthday and I wrapped her presents. I'm genuinely embarrassed to post these pictures but how can you talk this much about a quilt without actually showing it? The green is on the back. Oh my gosh the puckering. The PUCKERING! IT'S AWFUL!

Friday was early-release so we had Zoe's birthday party that afternoon. Sweet Dave took the day off and took Isaac to his dentist appointment for me that morning with the boys while I finished up cleaning and making Zoe's birthday cake. He brought Zoe, Noah, and Rozlyn home. Lamece's mom dropped her off here, and we did cake and presents then I took them to see Peter Rabbit while Dave stayed home with Jonas and Finn. Salma's mom dropped her off at the theater so we had 4 girls plus Noah. It was heaven to just sit for a bit. The movie was hilarious! We came back home, I ordered pizza for dinner and the girls left. The pizza got delivered at 5 and my parents and siblings showed up around 5:30. We ate, opened presents, and talked and laughed while the cousins played. I was so happy to have them here. That night I hand washed her dress because the bottom was so dirty from the bike park. I couldn't believe how dirty the water got, it didn't look that bad at first. I'm glad I thought to do it before Saturday morning!

Saturday morning Dave had to go clean the church and he was the only one that showed up. He did the best he could. I printed Zoe's programs for her baptism and we had the baptism (more on that later) that was awesome. Look how good her quilt looks, all wrapped up with ribbon. Ha! Looks are deceiving!

We had ice cream then everyone came back to our house for a few minutes. Dave had to stay because there was an Eagle Scout court of honor at 5 (3 boys received their Eagles). We did a little jamming with Charlie on the guitar, Sara on the piano, and Alex singing along. Everyone was hungry so the grown-ups and teenagers went to Genaro's for dinner. Unfortunately it was dinner time and my little kids hadn't eaten yet and Dave wasn't here so I couldn't go (they won't eat mexican food. Isaac offered to watch them but he's not the best with cooking/feeding them dinner). I was super sad and cried for a minute thinking "I DO EVERYTHING RIGHT, WHY IS MY LIFE SO CRAPPY? EVEN WITH MY FAMILY HERE MY LIFE SUCKS I HATE MY LIFE." Yeah I don't handle stress well. Then I went "Oh yeah. I'm the youngest. I'm the only one with little kids anymore and this is just a times and seasons thing. NO big deal." And then I was fine. Delos and Misty left Bekah here and Charlie stayed with Isaac. My parents took Noah back to the hotel with Rachel and Lizzie to swim so I fed the kids here. Sweet Sara brought us back some dinner and Dave and I ate at home. After everyone left I realized we needed a few things at the store for Sunday. I took Isaac and Charlie back to the hotel while I went to the store, then went up and hung out in my parents room for a bit, said good-bye to Delos and Sara's families, and came home.

Sunday my parents came with us to Sacrament meeting and Zoe and Lizzie had so much fun writing messages to each other and being so cute. I was so sad they had to go but was so grateful that they came at all. I know it's a huge burden to my mom to travel and it was so meaningful to have her there. She brought Zoe fancy scriptures with her name on them, and even got her a teal scripture case and some marking pens (she was the most excited about those, of course). When they were leaving my dad said "You guys are doing great. I'm so proud of you. You're stronger than you know." And I was thinking "boy if you had seen my scream thoughts this week you might not think so!" Heh heh. I was so relieved when the week was over. There was no school on Monday so we literally did nothing that day and it was heaven.

And that was the busiest week of my life. I could not have made it without my amazing friends and family and Dave especially. I don't know how he puts up with me. But it was all for Zoe, and she is 100% worth it.

Lost Theories

Just so there is no confusion I'd like to preface this post by saying this is Dave talking. This is the third (out of probably 4) Lost installment.

First some haiku:

Is it time travel?
Or is it mirror matter?
Or is it a con?

Too many theories
Just watch and enjoy the ride
Surprises to come

Once season 4 began I started reading lots of theories on the official website. I read so many theories that I started turning into John Nash from Beautiful Mind. I almost couldn't think about anything except what Lost was about. I needed to remind myself that the show is entertainment, and not the Rosetta stone for what the universe is all about. A scripture from the Book of Mormon (a similar passage is also found in Isaiah 55:2) reminded me to take a step back, "...do not spend money for that which is of no worth, nor your labor for that which cannot satisfy...". Therefore I'm not going to delve into some long explanation for what is going on in the show. There's not a huge need for that in light of last week's episode which helped viewers feel like answers are finally going to come. I will mention, though, that I read 2 theories that seemed to make the most sense. One involved time travel, which seems valid after watching a few episodes of season 4. The other involved a complex use of mirror matter theory (a true but odd theoretical physics concept), that seemed to explain the smoke monster quite nicely but doesn't hold as well after watching a few episodes of season 4. I got so obsessed by these theories that I read A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking hoping to gain insight into Lost. None of these satisfied me, hence the scripture. What I forgot too easily is the main reason I got hooked on Lost: they developed great, although flawed, characters that you can root for, and then placed those characters in a suspenseful environment. Time travel, mirror matter, or any other scientific/spiritual explanation of the island's power is only there to add to the suspense. So I watch for the characters, vainly hoping that they continue to use Charlie in the storyline, and believe the writers care more about the social/emotional/spiritual effects of the crash and use science as a tool to affect the characters' development. One concept that seems surface on the show is balance and the show will continue to balance the concepts of faith/science. I think one of the reasons last week's episode was so compelling was this balance. Desmond was caught in an odd time travel loop (where only his consciousness moved through space/time) that is difficult, if not impossible, to really understand; but what the show was really saying was that "all you need to survive is one person who truly loves you." (Quote from Penny in season 2). So, the story was really about love, and not simply time travel.

A quote from Desmond in season 3 also helped me to chill out. When he was asked about seeing the future he described his situation like putting together a jigsaw puzzle where he has the pieces but there isn't a box with a picture on it so he doesn't know how the pieces fit. I believe that the writers have given us lots of pieces, past, present, and future only we don't have the box with the picture on it. We can kind of know what the puzzle will display but will never be certain until the puzzle is completely assembled (by the writers/producers). The writers are keeping the picture to themselves, and I'm okay with that. If we figured everything out now we probably wouldn't have the same interest in the 3 seasons, and they'd lose viewers. For those of us who want to try to put the puzzle together anyway, I find it a lot more fun to put together a puzzle without somebody looking over my shoulder making a bunch of suggestions. That's why I don't think it's really worthwhile to go on and on about theory. I do think it might be fun to throw out some of the "pieces" that I found while re-watching the series. Feel free to assemble them as you wish, or not, I'm breezy.

I've narrowed my pieces down to three broad categories, but as you read through there is obviously some overlap.

Concepts
You make your own luck
Hurley believes the numbers are cursed but he almost misses the flight to begin with; it was his own persistence that got him on the flight. (Was Hurley being prevented from getting on the flight?)

Destiny, "the universe has a way of course correcting", verses your ability to choose your own future. At one point Jack says, “I don’t believe in destiny.” Then Locke responds with, “Yes you do, you just don’t know it yet.”

Purpose without self-sacrifice or self-restraint is tyranny? (Locke is becoming a tyrant in his unstoppable quest for his own purpose?)

Ethically speaking, how far past normal right/wrong boundaries can you go when you are committed to a cause, and/or committed to helping someone else?

You can't always trust your eyes or simply empirical evidence, at some point you have to place your faith in other people or principles

At one point Ben asks Jack, "Do you believe in God?" I think much of this show deals with this question without hitting you over the head with it. If there is a God, how does he operate in our lives? What sacrifices does he require of us? How much of what we do is predestined and how much is truly free will? (Juliette says in season 3 "Free will is all we've really got.") Does he expect us to behave beyond the basic human urge to simply survive? (Eko justifies his choices by saying "I only did what I needed to, to survive.") Are we expected to give up some of our free will for a greater good (When Jack is first imprisoned by the Others he hears the voice of his dead father through a "broken" intercom say "Let it Go.") Is the universe/God wiser than us and we eventually choose the universe’s path for us, so in the end there really isn't free will?

Have you noticed how often somebody says, "Trust me" or "I give you my word"? Have you also noticed how often somebody is conned? Characters are frequently calling other characters "liars" (sometimes they're right and sometimes they're not). There has been so much conning, for a while I thought the whole show was going to turn into one long con. I thought the writers/producers were just throwing out a bunch of ambiguous hints at time travel and mystical power, and letting us the viewers craft some elaborate story in our minds. I no longer believe this, of course, but I wouldn't put it past Ben to be conning everybody about saving/protecting the world just to keep the island to himself. Anyways, trust as a concept keeps coming up, and under what circumstances is it okay to deceive. Can you be justified in deceiving someone when there's a greater good at stake?

Also, the phrase "don't tell me what I can/can't do" is repeated often.

There are certain "special" individuals. Locke is healed on the island, Mikhail appears to be immortal, and Walt seems capable of altering his environment and moving through space/time. Walt saw the hatch when Locke touched his arm well before Locke let anybody know about the hatch. Ben wasn't too broken up about giving Walt back to Michael and even tells him “We got more than we bargained for with Walt”.

The Others had some mysterious list (I think made by Jacob) with "good" people on it (neither Jack nor Kate appear on this list). Goodwin says that “Nathan was not a good person.” That’s one of the reasons he killed him. Ben says they’re the good guys. What does “good” mean? Kate kills her dad because he was a "bad guy". What does "bad" mean? Especially in light of the fact that it appears each character gets a shot at redemption while on the island.

Each character seems to be obsessed with one thing from the past and/or have a character flaw. Jack: His wife/fixing things or people
Kate: the toy plane/can't stop running
Sawyer: the con man/commitment to people
Locke: gaining his father’s love/wandering through life/too trusting?
Hurley: the numbers/self-esteem?
Charlie: his band and music/selfishness (drug addiction)
Sayid: Nadia/compromising his ethics to serve others
Sun: maybe no obsession/she struggles with honesty

It also appears to me that each character needs to overcome their obsession in some way

Jack: hasn't yet
Kate: It appears she tries to settle down with Aaron
Sawyer: He kills the con man and now wants to commit to Kate
Locke: He stops trying to get his dad's love and has him killed, and found his purpose on the island
Hurley: not sure he's overcome his obsession with the numbers but Libby helped him gain more confidence
Charlie: he sacrifices his own life to help Claire get off the island and earlier overcomes a heroin addiction
Sayid: hasn't yet
Sun: hasn't yet


Eko is told by his brother that he has no soul. Sayid and Ana Lucia say that they are already dead. Our perceptions of ourself becomes reality.


Christian Shephard tells Clair "There is hope and there’s guilt.” Do we hope for a better future when really we need to face and accept our current reality?


Questions
Why does Dharma keep dropping in food when Ben had them wiped out? If it's Ben's people dropping in the food why is it still labeled Dharma?


Who was Razinski (I think this is how you spell it)? We know he was Calvin's partner in the hatch before Desmond, and Calvin tells Desmond that Razinski killed himself, but I'm not sure I believe Calvin completely. Razinski is the person who painted, in some sort of black paint, the map on the hatch wall that Locke finds when the alarm sounds. I think he might yet play a role.
The tail end survivors find the Russian’s (Mikhail) glass eye and the missing piece of the orientation video in the Dharma station that they used for shelter. (Did the Russian cut the tape?) Calvin says it was his partner Razinski. Are they one and the same?

When did Calvin join the Dharma initiative? How did he survive the war or get into the hatch if he joined after the Gulf War? If he entered the hatch before the war started why did Ben allow Calvin/Razinski to continue living in the hatch? Was the button so important that Ben didn’t care who was down there pushing it? Was Calvin planted there only to change his mind and decide to escape?

Locke’s father outside his home after stealing Locke’s kidney: “You’re not wanted.” “There is no why.” Paraphrasing, “You’re not the first to be conned.” Are we as an audience being conned into believing something mystical or important is happening on the island? Could the crash just be a crash, and the survivors crazy? (The show has proven that it is not just a big con, but I still wonder how much the island really matters to the survival of mankind.)

If the island does make time travel possible do the Others send agents back in time to ensure that the right people get on Oceanic Flight 815? (Kate’s horse is an example. She escapes because a horse causes a crash, and then she sees what appears to be the same horse on the island.)


Juliette’s ex gets hit by the bus the day after she jokes about it, so did the Others time travel to make this happen or do certain people have some kind of energy that allows their thoughts to become reality (like Walt with the dead bird)? Juliet created life where life wasn’t supposed to be. Is Juliette special? Claire told her mom that she wished she were dead, and then she gets in the crash. Does Claire have similar ability to Walt?


I thought I heard the monster sound while watching the episode about Sayid in Iraq, but found out that it was handcuffs/chains rubbing against metal. Are the survivors all prisoners, who need to be interrogated/tried/proved by some supernatural power?

Eko and Ana Lucia get some degree of redemption before they came to the island; is that why they die on the island? (Eko because his brother says he was a good priest, Ana Lucia because she agrees to come home and face her mistakes.)


Why was Bernard strapped into his seat, I thought he was in the bathroom at the time of the crash? Did he simply find an empty seat when turbulence hit?


Are electromagnetic forces building up once again and if so how will they release the energy?


Eko tells Locke in season 3, “You can protect them, you can save them.” Who and when? Is Locke off the reservation, or is he really following a divine mandate and only appears "crazy" to people without faith?


Why would Ben develop a tumor and Rose be healed from cancer?


Why is the flight attendant now part of the Others?


Is it okay to take a life if you are trying to save a life or lives?


Is Ben trying to perfect time travel to save his mother, who died in pregnancy? Is that why he is so focused on the pregnancy question rather than the bigger issues that Richard alludes to? Why did Richard tell Locke inside secrets? What work is more important than the pregnancy question?


It is clear after last week's episode that Mr. Widmore knows quite a bit about the island. Did he manipulate Desmond into entering the boat race so he would crash on the island? Is Widmore a subsidiary or contributor to Dharma? Is Widmore "good" or "bad"?


The mysterious jewelry lady tells Desmond “You don’t do it because you choose to you do it because you’re supposed to.” The it being push the button. Is this line B.S.? The show may prove the opposite when it’s all over?


At what point did the man from Tallahassee, aka Locke's dad, appear in the magic box?


There is a painting of a woman in Ben's home. Who is the woman? Is it Annie or his mother? Will one of these characters resurface?


How did Locke get all wet when he detonated the sub? The episode only showed him go inside of the sub to set the charges.


What happened to Sayid in Basra?


What does Sun's dad do? Is he part of Dharma, or the current group of people looking for the island?


Does Naomi know Mikhail, she seems to recognize and fear him?


Ben sees his dead mom, Jack his dead dad: both lead them to something valuable. Hurley sees dead Charlie, who tells Hurley that they (those remaining on the island) need his help. Did they see the real people or some hallucination brought on by the mystical powers of the island?


Did Ben instruct Juliet to reveal their plan to abduct the women, leading to the deaths of several of his team members? (He sacrifices his team for the greater good.) Does Ben really want a confrontation with the freighter people so he can neutralize the threat?


Random stuff
When Hurley is in the jungle at the end of season 2 the jungle whispers "Elizabeth", and when Hurley is outside Jacob's cabin in season 4 he hears "the first time I met Desmond". For some reason I can discern the whispers with Hurley and not so much for other characters.


The voice in Jacob's cabin that tells Locke "Help me" sounded an awful lot like Christian Shephard.

If you watch closely in the episode where Locke goes to Jacob's cabin while the cabin is shaking you can see someone sitting in the chair. Jacob appears to be a real being, and looks a little like John Locke.

While out on a hike Sawyer suggests, in jest, that the Others are aliens. Hmmmmm?

Locke looks stunned that the monster comes for him in the finale in season 1, which is quite a different reaction from when he first sees the monster. I believe he even calls the monster beautiful. What did he see? As a side note the mirror matter theory has an interesting and simple explanation for the smoke monster; but it doesn't seem that the mirror matter theory holds for any other part of the show. The monster sounds like gears working when it comes to get Locke in the finale. Juliet seems legitimately scared of the monster and it sounded like electricity, or maybe a camera taking photographs. At other times it sounds like heavy machinery.

Phrases Carl is forced to see while imprisoned: “Everything changes” “Plant a good seed and you will joyfully gather fruit” “We are the causes of our own suffering” “God loves you as he loved Jacob” “Think about your life”

The diary that Widmore buys in last week's episode came from the Hanso family; the Hanso Group is a major contributor to Dharma.

The priest at the monastery has a photograph of him and the mysterious jewelry lady on his desk. (Is the priest also in on the plot to get Desmond on the island? The priest introduces Desmond to Penny after all.)

During the episode when Locke breaks his back he's watching the news and I heard the reporter say “Bolivian coal deposit stolen.” Will this have meaning? Am I completely nuts for remembering specific background noise from a TV show?

The wine from the monastery is called Moriah Vineyards, which once again highlights the value of sacrifice.

Naomi speaks English, Spanish, Chinese, Italian, Russian; what else?

Conclusion
As you can see I have plenty of thoughts about the show, but few real answers. Again, I think the show is so fun because of the surprises they drop on you. The show becomes an exercise in delayed gratification because you typically are required to wait a while for each new surprise. There are 43 more episodes, and therefore plenty of opportunities to get some or all of the answers to our questions. I think part of the point of the show is a reminder that we only see what we want to see; and I think that’s why there are thousands of theories or possible theories. Each viewer can create their own show within the show. Remember the writers have seen the picture on the box (since they created it) and I'm sure will bring the show to a satisfying conclusion (although I'm sure not every question of every viewer will get the same amount of attention).

don't worry, be happy

this post is mostly for journaling sake, so feel free to skip this one. although if you do want to read a bit, read the orange part at least.

a few weekends ago i went to a stake enrichment meeting with my mom in my old stake (her current one). there were three different break-out sessions with several classes to choose from. we went to a fondue one together (that was fun, i got awesome recipes!) and i went to an fhe one while she went to communication in marriage. i really wanted to go to one called "seize the day! life is not a duress rehearsal" by a lady who had been featured on dateline nbc. when we sat down in the class there were toys on each seat. we sat down and got ready to learn how to be happy! she started with two scriptures:

1. "Behold, we count them happy which endure" (James 5:11).



2. "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning" (Psalms 30:5).

Then she explained the physical benefits of laughter: we burn 6 calories per laugh! So why don't we laugh and smile more? She gave a few examples:

• when moms say "wipe that smile off your face!"



• she showed a clip of winnie the pooh, where tigger bounces into rabbit's garden and ruins part of it. then rabbit conspires with pooh and piglet to "take the bounce out of tigger". then she asked, "did somebody take the bounce out of you, or do you take the bounce out of other people" by being grumpy like rabbit?

she then had a volunteer come up and tell a story about a very bad day they had had. she wrote notes on post-its while the volunteer spoke, then stuck the post-its all over the volunteer. she said, "when we have a bad day, we wear it." that affects us and the people around us and takes away from our happiness.

she then gave an example that really struck me. she said that we all have life dreams as little girls. imagine that your life dream is to travel to italy. you buy books and learn phrases and words in italian. you talk to people who have been there and plan your trip minute by minute, exactly what you want to do. you book your hotels, plan your transportation, you are ready to fulfill this dream. you get on the plane. you're so excited. your dreams are coming true! and then you begin your descent and the flight attendant says, "welcome to holland." there was a change in the flight plan and you were totally unprepared. it's not a horrible thing, it's just different. and then you discover that holland has wind mills, and fields of tulips, and a rich and vibrant history and culture. the loss of a dream is a very significant thing, but if you mourn it all your life you'll never remember the wonderful things about holland. there are wonderful things about italy but that dream is not meant for everybody. some people are meant for holland. what happens to us when we lose out on a dream?

sometimes i feel like my life hasn't turned out exactly how i expected it to. but worrying about what might have been will only make me unhappy. if i live in the present and think about how wonderful my husband is, how sweet my kids can be, how great my family is, i realize i'm so lucky and what might have been just doesn't matter. i love that she helped me realize this.

she encouraged us to make a list of things that make us happy (a bath, rain, hearing your kids laugh, whatever) and when you feel stressed, to look at that list. she said there must be opposition in all things, so when we're stressed, oppose it with happiness!

this woman has a disease that will eventually kill her. it killed her dad and her sister, and her son when he was 15. she had a neighbor ask why she wasn't angry and why she didn't want to take vengeance out on God. she said she was sad that she had lost him, but that she had immeasurable joy that she'd had him for fifteen years. she said it's a choice we make every day, whether we'll be happy or not. she knows her time is limited and she makes the choice every day to be happy while she still can.

she also recommended that we have "pre-planned humor" on hand for times we feel a little grumpy. she keeps a "get out of jail free" card in her glove box to give to a cop if she gets pulled over. once when she was in the hospital she asked for an extra IV bag. she put a goldfish in it and hung it up next to her real one to lighten the mood when family and friends came to visit. on her office door she has a sign that says "write complaint here. please print legibly". then there's a teeny tiny box next to the arrow so there is no room to complain. she once "foiled" her boss's office. she put foil over everything in his office--his desk, his phone, his computer, every book. during a tough negotiation with another company she brought in nerf guns for them to shoot at each other. she said it lightened the mood and the negotiation went much smoother after that.

is your glass half full? life is how we see it. how can i change the way i'm looking at life so i can see the strength hidden in it? there is strength in everything if we'll search for it and take it out.

she said life is a bit like "row, row, row your boat." we should get in the boat, enjoy the rocks and the rapids, and get a tan. we should learn to let go. the example she used for this was the chinese finger lock. the more you struggle against it, the tighter it gets. but when you let go and give in, the lock comes off. if we just let go of all the things that don't matter, find the humor in every day life, we will be so much happier. she then had the volunteer come back up and she threw away all the post-its and had her put on a tiara, feather boa, and magic wand. if we picture life like that, things will go much smoother in our lives. i'm telling you guys it was awesome. it was so fun to listen to her and think about the way i see myself and my life. find the humor and you will be happy! life is meant to be full of joy. we are meant to be happy if we'll let ourselves.

Lessons I learned in Primary

I'm always very emotional at Christmas, but especially now that I have children. I can't help but think about Mary, nine months pregnant, riding on a donkey into Bethlehem, likely in labor for the last part of the journey at least. I think of how bad your body hurts at that point of pregnancy and how uncomfortable you are. How hard it is to give birth even in the best of circumstances, which she did not have. How good she must have been, how hard it was but how she probably didn't complain. I think of them arriving and not being able to find a place to stay; how Joseph must have felt, unable to provide for his wife who was so uncomfortable. How humiliated he would have been to lead her into a stable, clear the animals away, and help her bring the Savior of the world into his earthly life. How these humble circumstances were the beginning of the greatest gift the world has ever known. I can't imagine the kind of people these were: so humble and full of faith. Can you imagine hearing from an angel that you were going to bear the son of God? Trying to raise the son of God? I can't even fathom it. I think of the faithful shepherds who heard the angel's announcement, and then a choir of angels sing. I secretly (I guess not so secretly anymore) wish I was there, singing about the birth of Christ to these humble men. I love thinking about the Christmas story.

Jeffrey R. Holland said this in 1995:

...what Joseph must have felt as he moved through the streets of a city not his own, with not a friend or kinsman in sight, nor anyone willing to extend a helping hand. In these very last and most painful hours of her “confinement,” Mary had ridden or walked approximately 160 kilometers from Nazareth in Galilee to Bethlehem in Judea. Surely Joseph must have wept at her silent courage. Now, alone and unnoticed, they had to descend from human company to a stable, a grotto full of animals, there to bring forth the Son of God. I wonder what emotions Joseph might have had as he cleared away the dung and debris. I wonder if he felt the sting of tears as he hurriedly tried to find the cleanest straw and hold the animals back. I wonder if he wondered: “Could there be a more unhealthy, a more disease-ridden, a more despicable circumstance in which a child could be born? Is this a place fit for a king? Should the mother of the Son of God be asked to enter the “valley of the shadow of death” (Ps. 23:4) in such a foul and unfamiliar place as this? Is it wrong to wish her some comfort? Is it right He should be born here?” But I am certain Joseph did not mutter and Mary did not wail. They knew a great deal and did the best they could.
Perhaps these parents knew even then that in the beginning of his mortal life, as well as in the end, this baby son born to them would have to descend beneath every human pain and disappointment. He would do so to help those who also felt they had been born without advantage. (to read the rest of it click here. It's the BEST talk).

I love Christmas. I love giving and getting gifts and being reminded of the gifts the wise men brought. I love thinking about the little baby Jesus, the mother Mary, and kind and gentle Joseph. I learned in primary to picture a Christmas like this, and I try to every year. I am so thankful that Christ was born and that we get to celebrate and remember especially at this time of year.

Picture a stable in Judea.

Picture a sacred, silent night.

And can you hear the angels near

And see the stars so bright?

Picture the kind and gentle Joseph.

Picture the mother, Mary, fair.

And can you see so reverently

the shepherds kneeling there?

Picture the little baby Jesus

Think of his life and words so dear

Sing praise to him; remember him

As you picture Christmas this year.

(CS p. 50)

art by Liz Lemon Swindle

i didn't go.

i won a ticket to the cbc a few months ago on a blog giveaway. well, technically, i didn't. someone else did but declined, so they gave it to me. it was like a $300 value or something so i was really excited about it. dave has fridays off, so i wasn't going to have to get a sitter; nursing babies were welcome....i had no excuse not to go. and then it came time to register for classes. "your guide to product reviews" and "how to find your niche" and "how to write for the masses" and "how to get sponsors" and "how to sell your brand" and on and on and on. and then i started reading blogs/tweets of people who were going. they were printing business cards, they were buying new outfits, getting mani/pedis, getting their hair done, worried about going alone and finding someone to sit with so they didn't feel like it was junior high all over again...

wait, why did i want to go to this thing again? i hated junior high. you could not pay me enough money to make me feel that insecure again.

so i didn't go. call me chicken if you want; i call me smart. because right now, i am happy. really really happy. the happiest i have been in years. and i didn't want to go to a conference and realize that my life is not as wonderful and my blog is not as wonderful and my brand (what brand?) is not up to snuff.

sorry folks. i blog for myself, not for you.

so i didn't go.

How the Foley's Know Sensory Processing Disorder is Real

My friend Emilie sent me a link to this post the other day. I hadn't heard that Sensory Processing Disorder was in question by psychiatrists, but apparently it is, and it's being called "sheer quackery". Well, psychiatrists are welcome to call it whatever they want, but the author of this post really hit the nail on the head for me. As I was reading, I started tearing up and I thought, "YES! YES! YES! She knows. She knows exactly what it's like." While Noah and her son don't have the exact same symptoms and experiences, they are pretty darn close.
So I've been thinking for days, how could I tell that Noah had a problem? How did I know that SPD was real for him? When my doctor in Utah kept saying "he'll grow out of it, he's okay" how did I know he was wrong? There are lots of ways. As I've gone back to read over old posts from when Noah was really little I feel so bad for that mom and that boy. It's constantly "I don't know how to calm him down" "I don't know what he needs" "I don't know why he's so upset all the time". Life with Noah has never been easy and I'd wager life is not easy for any parent. But this is how I knew SPD was real, and continues to be real, for Noah.

It was an inability to sleep with a diaper or pull-up starting around age 3, and thus wetting the bed/sheets every single night for two solid years. 

It was being unable to be strapped in a 5-point harness starting from birth without screaming. 

It was a 12-hour drive to California with Noah screaming the entire 12 hours without stopping or falling asleep. 

It was being unable to wear both pants and underwear at the same time, which soon became an inability to wear underwear at all. 

It was being unable to sit down at the dinner table, or sit down on his bottom at all. For 2 straight years. 

It was holding down my 6-year-old while he screams and kicks me as I try to put socks on before his baseball game, and having parents approach thinking I'm abusing him somehow. 

It was having to quit sports because he cannot bear the feeling of socks, even though he loves and is good at sports. It's also wearing crocs, even when it snows, because he can't wear enclosed shoes. 

It was his fascination with the feel of a hair tie around his arm and hand from the time he was a baby, just 6 or 8 months old (see pictures above). 

It is him putting the corner of his blanket in his ear and pressing as hard as he can to help calm himself. 

It is me forcing him to take a drink from a sippy cup because I know sucking is calming for him, even after he's outgrown sippy cups. 

It was him screaming bloody murder when I suggested we go get ice cream because it meant he would have to ride in the car (and thus a carseat). 

It was massive tantrums over nothing--literally nothing--that we couldn't stop. 

It was cutting tags out, or only buying tagless, of every single thing he owned. 

It's cutting out the netting on a swimming suit because he can't stand how it feels. 

It was worrying every single day that he wouldn't be able to go to school because he cannot sit down for an extended period of time. 

It is always ordering the pizza with no cheese on half because Noah can't stand the feel of melted cheese in his mouth.

It was being unable to get off the towel at the beach because the sand sticking to his body was too overwhelming. 

It was an overwhelming reaction to anything even remotely spicy. Like one shake of pepper. 

It was a face that was sore and bleeding for 6 months because he couldn't help but lick his face. (Which he still does but somehow his face has gotten used to the constant licking and he no longer has the sores on his face.) 

It was him hiding his face in the pictures all through first grade because he constantly got asked why his face was so gross. 

It was biting his fingernails until he bled. 

It was finding a "mouth tool" that he could take to school and not get made fun of for having a "baby chew toy" by classmates to help stop his face licking. 

It is him being unable to bear the feeling of his church clothes so he unbuttons and unzips his pants and pulls his arms into his shirt. 

It is never giving hair cuts until we absolutely have to because he can't stand the sound of the scissors on his hair, or the feel of the pieces falling off. 

It's never scratching your leg near him if you're wearing jeans because the sound sends him into a tailspin. 

It's sleeping on top of the comforter because if he touches anything too soft (like his sheets) he has to immediately touch something hard and he can't do that in his sleep.

It's the horror at the sight of blood to the point of throwing up and major tantrums. The terror of losing a tooth and the blood that accompanies it. 

It's buying shirts that are 6 sizes too big for him so he won't  have to feel the seams.   

It's eating steak as often as possible because it's something that he has to chew longer, and chewing is calming. 

It is the 4-hour weekly roundtrip and all expenses associated with Occupational Therapy.

It's never, ever, ever being comfortable. Ever.

As OT winds up for him I have a lot of tools to help. I'm more knowledgeable than I was before and much more sympathetic. I still get frustrated about things--especially on Sundays--but I know now that he's not doing it just to spite me. I seriously used to think that. I feel a lot of hope about where we are and what we can do for him, but there are also times that I feel hopeless. I feel like maybe he'll never get to live a normal life. Maybe he won't be able to go on a mission because the thought of him wearing a suit and tie every day (and garments) is laughable. Noah is a great kid. A REALLY great kid. I know people deal with a lot worse. But come spend a week with us, I'll show you what life is really like for him. It is not easy. But I can promise you it is real.