not enough.

three kids has not been a big deal. two was a big deal to me. three, not so much. i'm already staying at home with kids, so that's not an adjustment. i already have mountains of laundry, so that's no biggie. i've had two babies, so i know how to roll with it when she's crying...and sometimes, i just let her cry (something i never did with my boys) because i have to get the dinner made, or i have to get isaac to school, or i have to brush noah's teeth. so three? it's not as bad as i was expecting.


three kids has been a huge deal to noah. i thought he was handling it pretty well, as i have made a conscious effort to make the transition as smooth as possible. but there are still times when he needs something, and he has to wait because i'm feeding the baby, or in the middle of a diaper change, or something along those lines. but no matter what is happening, if isaac hears zoe, he runs to her aid...which means noah gets left behind a lot. if they're in the middle of a video game, wrestling match, scream fight, it doesn't matter. if isaac hears zoe, he leaves noah. and it's breaking noah's heart...and mine.

he's acting out. not against zoe--he's incredibly sweet to her, despite the fact that it's her taking attention away from him. but he has starting bugging isaac incessantly. he has always known how to push isaac's buttons. it must be a little brother thing? but it's getting infinitely worse each day. noah is no longer isaac's favorite sibling, and noah can tell. so he follows him around, takes his stuff, hits him, sits on him, whatever it takes to get isaac to pay attention to him. and i don't know how to fix it.

when zoe was born, my mother-in-law came out to help for a week. more than help me, she helped noah in this transitory time. she played with him all day, every day, and he loved the attention. when he found out she was coming back for zoe's blessing, he was so excited (but a little nervous that he might have to give up his bed again--he didn't).

he has started having panic attacks if we leave him alone for any amount of time. usually we bathe both boys at the same time, in separate baths. when i get him in the bath and leave to get isaac's bath ready, he has a total conniption. he is feeling abandoned.

the other day he was acting up yet again, and i sent him to his bed for some alone time. he hates to be alone. so i went in with him and laid by him. as we laid there, he snuggled up to me and i started talking to him about when he was a baby. i described his first smile, and how he loved his binky, and how i could just lay him down and he would go right to sleep. i talked about when he learned to crawl how excited i was because isaac never crawled. i told him stories about noah. he laid there, very still, absolutely riveted, with a slight smile on his face. and that's when i realized: no matter how much i've done to help him right now, it's not enough. he needs more.

i don't have more. i don't know how to give him more when there is nothing more to give. i guess this is the challenge of parenthood--trying to find what your child needs and giving it to him as best you can. today dave took him on a "date", just the two of them, and i'm hoping he'll get home and be happy with that one-on-one time. but he misses isaac. he doesn't want to just go on a date with dad, he wants isaac to come. and isaac wants to stay with zoe.

i do not know how to make my offering enough. i don't know how to make isaac remember that he loves noah too. and so i hope, and i pray, and i do the best i can. and maybe dave and God can make up what i can't give.