Why I Hate the Polar Express (movie) by Dave Foley (with additions in red by me)

When we first watched Polar Express last Christmas Season (2006) I was really bothered by it because parts of the storyline didn’t make sense, and some elements seemed too bizarre for a 2-3 year old. Unfortunately Isaac loved the movie and we have seen it at least 134 times this past year (because of his love of trains this was not merely a holiday movie for our family), and now I kind of like it. Emily asked me to write about the things that bothered me, but initially I couldn’t come up with many. I gave the movie my undivided attention, though, last morning (Friday or Saturday) and took notes so I could write this post. Here are my notes, (in chronological order) and sorry in advance if any of you have not yet seen this movie and I ruin the storyline for you:

1. When a child chooses to get on the Polar Express they receive a golden ticket that by the end of the story is personalized with a one or two word message that is supposed to teach/inspire the child (e.g. Believe, Lead, Learn). During the train ride the hero girl goes with the conductor to the back of the train to deliver some hot chocolate to a lonely boy. She leaves her ticket on her seat, and the hero boy freaks out because she left it behind. Did he think the conductor was going to throw her off the train into the frozen tundra of North America once she delivered the hot chocolate? Why wouldn’t she just return to her seat? Why didn’t he mind his own business and enjoy the ride?


2. So the boy freaks out and insists on returning the ticket but it gets blown away in the wind as he leaves his train car...after a very boring and pointless scene, the ticket returns to the train. Sadly, the conductor realizes the girl doesn't have her ticket and marches her to the back of the train. The Hero Boy finds the ticket and races after them. Once he enters the last car he sees the girl and conductor exit the back of the train. Why wouldn’t they just come back the way they came? Why would the conductor insist on taking her outside, climb on top off a speeding train, and walk over the top of the snow covered cars? These first two events lead to the first period of action, but the action is completely forced. I understand that the original book is like 20 pages, and it was going to be difficult to expand that into a 90 minute movie, but they didn’t have to make the characters behave in illogical ways. In the book there’s a page that shows a pack of wolves running along side the train. If I wrote the movie I would have had the pack of wolves attack the train, and had the hero boy turn into a prepubescent John McClane. That would have been cool, and a little truer to the book.


3. Speaking of being true to the book, or not being true rather, what’s up with the crazy hobo? It’s probably some artistic statement that’s beyond my understanding. The only purpose he seems to serve is to fill time and to save the boy and girl when they almost fall from the train. But the boy and girl could have been saved a little easier if the conductor would have escorted them back to their seat instead of strapping them to the front of the train before plummeting on a 179° drop.


4. How could the train drop at a 179° slope? Wouldn’t that make them travel upsidedown and backwards from their original position? It’s been 17 years since I last took geometry so I’m not sure.


5. What happens to all of the children inside the train, who are not buckled up and are free to roam the train and drink scalding cups of hot chocolate, while the train is going down this slope? I hope they just deleted the scene where dozens of children are sent to the infirmary to be treated for 2nd degree burns, broken clavicles, and concussions.


6. Another example of forced action: The train is on a frozen lake desperately trying to outrun the cracking ice and navigate back to the exposed tracks on the opposite end. The hero boy and girl are still on the front of the train and without any safety harness. Let me remind you that the reason the boy and girl are in mortal peril out on the front of the train is because the boy felt compelled to return the ticket that was sitting safely on the girl’s seat waiting for her to return. So they are speeding and the wind is whipping around them and the boy decides to remove the ticket from his shoe (the ticket is in his shoe because the hobo told him to put his valuables there) and try to return it at this moment. Of course it is almost lost once again. Why wouldn’t he just wait 10 seconds for everything to calm down before returning it? My only guess was that he was trying to impress the girl with macho bravado.


7. The hobo does some creepy puppet show with a marionette while the hero boy and girl make their way back to their seats. It serves no purpose, except to annoy because every time Isaac watches the scene he turns to me and asks “What the hell was that about”, (He doesn’t actually say “hell” but the look he gives me is the child equivalent.) and I have no answer. (I told Dave not to cuss on my blog but he did it anyway, sorry)


8. So they arrive at the North Pole and discover that there’s a big celebration where Santa will be in attendance and that somebody gets the honor of opening the first gift of Christmas. One of the children asks the conductor who will get to open it. The conductor stops, the camera zooms in, he bends over, gets in their collective face and says forebodingly, “He will choose…one of you.” Shouldn’t opening the first gift be exciting? The conductor makes it sound like whoever opens the gift will then be sacrificed to some elf idol.


9. Speaking of the conductor, what's his deal? At some points he's insanely happy and kind and jolly, and the next minute he's freaking out and yelling and intimidating children. I don't get it.


10. The elves never smile during the celebration (and what's the deal with the creepy North Pole? It's all empty with Christmas carols playing and then the record starts skipping making it even creepier...isn't this supposed to be a happy place? And then this crazy alarm goes off 'cause a kid has been naughty and they replay the poor kid's denial to his mom over and over "I didn't do it, I didn't do it". What they hey? Why is it creepy?). I understand that the elves are probably overworked, they make toys for many unappreciative kids, Santa and his reindeer get all the glory, they are forced to live at the North Pole, and my guess is they don’t have health insurance or other benefits (as near as I can tell they’re not paid). But crack a smile; give me a tee-hee, or a giggle (sorry for that blatant Seinfeld rip off). At least you survived another Christmas, and while Santa’s away you can get blitzed (or pissed) (again, sorry for the language) Stuart Mackenzie style.


11. While the elves are waiting for Santa to arrive to kick off the celebration they chant “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.” Why don’t they sing the song? I’ve been in the LDS conference center while 25,000 people sing and it doesn’t sound like a dull chant, so they can’t blame their large numbers. They need to put a little enthusiasm and Christmas cheer into it. They should have modeled their elves after Buddy (from Elf).


12. The point of the story is to teach children to believe in Santa Claus. And in the end, we're shown it's right to believe. He gets his bell; he was really there. So why do they bother with these things: 1) When the train passes outside his window his radiator is also whistling and blowing steam, making us unsure whether or not he's dreaming and incorporating those things into the dream and thinking there's a train . 2) As he runs outside, his robe catches on the bedpost, rips his pocket, and marbles fall out. Then at the end of the movie when he wakes up Christmas morning, the exact same thing happens. Wait, didn't that happen last night? Isn't your pocket already ripped, and the marbles already spilled? Isn't that why you don't have your bell? No, it must have all been a dream. But wait! There's a bell under the tree! It really did happen. So how did his pocket magically fix itself and get the marbles back in so that he could do it all again in the morning? Sorry, doesn't work.

If this was a year ago I’m sure that I could have listed a few others. Ten seems symmetrical (how 'bout 12?), and all this criticism is eroding my Christmas cheer. I would also like to say that I do like the book, and I do like Christmas movies. I would recommend A Christmas Story, It’s A Wonderful Life, Christmas Vacation, Home Alone, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Scrooged, and Jingle All the Way (Emily is disgusted with me for enjoying this movie but any movie with Sinbad and Phil Hartman is fine by me).