i loved marta dansie's essay on pregnancy posted at design mom last week. as i was reading i was thinking, "yes! that's what i would say!" she has a real way with words and described a lot of what i was feeling with my first pregnancy.
one thing i know is a love between mother and son. i feel a fierce protection instinct for my boys that surprises me sometimes. i know that boys are sweet and loyal, caring and sensitive, affectionate. i know that they need their dads to wrestle and play with. but i also know they need moms sometimes too. isaac came home from school the other day and i could tell as soon as he walked in the door that he was going to cry--that he'd been trying not to cry for quite some time. as soon as he saw me he burst into tears, and i was able to hold him and help him through his sadness. i didn't think he would still want me that way at this age, but i have to admit, i'm really glad that he does. because i still need him to need me.
i am...tenderhearted. i don't like conflict. i don't like the feeling that someone is upset with me or that i'm in trouble. i bawled in first grade when i had to put my name on the board because sunny west was talking to me. i think one of the reasons my husband and i never fight, or that my mom and i never fought like some teenagers do with their mothers, is that i can very easily see the other person's side of the story, and i don't want to hurt someone else's feelings--because when the tables are turned, i don't want them to do it to me either. maybe it's not emotionally healthy but i would much rather deal with something internally than bring up something unpleasant. conflict resolution is not my strong point. on the other hand, it has worked well so far. generally if i'm upset with somebody, if i let it sit for a day or so, the next day i don't really care about what i was so upset about the day before, and i never had to have that unpleasant conversation. if dave (or anyone else) does something to upset me or bother me, i don't usually mention it. i know the person feels badly for what he or she has done, so why push it? it would only make him or her feel worse and wouldn't help anything.
so this brings me to baby girl. i have seen girls be brutally mean to their moms. there were times in high school when i'd be at a friend's house and think, "i cannot believe she talks to her mom like that." those things stuck with me, and i tried to be careful never to treat my mom like that. but. what if i get a girl like that? what if i get a girl who is not tenderhearted? what if she's mean? what if she's spiteful? what if she says hurtful things? i don't like to hear rude things from complete strangers. but to hear hurtful things from somebody i have given so much to would simply break me. i know boys have issues too. but girls? girls are MEAN. and that is why i'm afraid.
20 February 2010
why i'm afraid.
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16 comments:
I don't like conflict or feeling like I'm in trouble either. I don't keep it inside, though. I do tend to say something, because I'd rather have it out and know where everyone stands than have things fester or be guessing. I would want someone to be honest with me, so I, too, try to be honest. I think one can be kind and honest. I don't think conflict has to be ugly.
As for the being afraid thing. I think it's scary because it's new. I've said it before, but I was nervous, too, except I was nervous about having a boy since I have 5 nieces and a daughter and am a girl myself! But you know what? We're fine. And you will be, too.
I would say be careful about stereotyping boys and girls. Not all girls are mean. I don't think that's a gender thing. I think that's a personality thing, boy OR girl. In my opinion, a lot has to do with how we all interact with each other. If we want our children to be respectful, it helps for us to be respectful, too. Teach her to not be catty by not being catty and by letting her know it's not okay or kind to act that way. Stuff like that. You will be fine. And you'll look back on this and wonder why in the world you worried. It'll all be okay. It really will.
No daughter of yours will be consistently mean or spiteful. She will have moments, and most likely she will bring new feelings out in you too. As you already know, our kids teach us things others simply couldn't. Baby girl will do the same for you and you'll love her all the more for it.
Well pretty much your other friends have already mentioned what I was going to say. There will be times. But how you guys raise your kids by the looks of it they are good kids. Do not worry about it. You are a great mom.
I can't really comment on the girl thing, as I only have boys. But surely how you raise your girl will have a huge impact on how she is as a teenager. And can I just say, my boys are pre-teen and still have a soft side for their mum, still enjoy our quiet time together and save 'stuff' up to tell me and me alone. I am, however looking forward to hearing how different a baby girl is to your boys.
We must be related...I deal with conflict EXACTLY the same way. Unfortunately my daughter does not. I don't think she is mean and catty, she just communicates how she is feeling which I would say is genetically from her father who is not here to help me understand how to deal with it. I admire her ability to be able to say what she's feeling, I just have to reign her in sometimes and teach her the meaning of "tact". I have actually always been afraid to have boys, I figured that is why I was never blessed to have one. I know now I'm just afraid of the unknown. I must've needed a lesson in that, hence the reason I was asked to work in the scouts. I think you will be fine, and you will figure out her little personality and you will know how to teach her correctly.
meaness is taught, it is not innate. Treat her kindly and she will do the same. My girls have NEVER been mean to me. Never, not once have they done anything to hurt anyones feelings. They are both very sweet, caring, and loving. Vance on the other hand can be mean and I think some of it has to do with daycare (and his anger over the time Levi and I were split) as well as being utterly spoiled (my fault). He is also sweet, but he has said some things that have made my heart ache :( Things that would never even enter my girls minds! Alorah will cry if I cry and Faith jumps to give a hug. Nurture her and she will be nurturing :)
your daughter is going to have the biggest loving (and tender) heart just like her mom!
you have nothing to worry about.
don't be afraid, girls are really truly wonderful. mine is still tiny, but she is the tiniest tenderest little girl, even though she has her tantrums. just think of how you are with your mom! my Mom is one of my best friends and I can't wait to have that same relationship with my daughter. you have so much to look forward to!
weird--my friend and i were just having this same exact conversation the other day. i think it is scary too! but it'll be great too.
(((hug))) I understand. Only, for me, I'd be kind of afraid to have a boy (ftr, I am not pregnant and the current plan is 3 is enough!).
Girls are great and you'll be a great example for your daughter to follow.
Funny--as a dad I worry that my girls are too sweet, too soft. I'm always worried that some mean girls are going to pick on them because mine are so pretty and so sweet.
I'm not biased or anything.
girls and their moms. what a dynamic. i have to admit i was mean to my mom, but i think that is partially because of my parents roles as parents. my mom was this nice one my dad the mean one. therefore my mom was more so my friend rather than my mom. like everything in life you have to creat that happy medium. but i think it is because the way my mom was with me when i was growing up we now have the closest relationship a mom/daugther relationship could be. i tell my mom just about everything, and i know that my friendship for my mom is super important to her. of course all of this could be because i was(still am) an only child, but that's a whole other story! :)
emily i know that you will be a great mom to your daughter! i of course have never personally seen you in the role of "mom" but not only will little girl be loved so much by her parents, but she'll have her older brothers to look upon, and she'll see the relationship that you've already established with them.
you have nothing to be afraid of!
Emily,
You have always been a sweet,kind, sensitive young woman. There is not a mean bone in your body. I'm sure your new sweet daughter will be just like you.
Dad
I think that young girls that have the "Mean Girl" attitude have learned it. A lot of women have the tendency to be passive aggressive and so with young girls I think that comes out in catty comments, or gossiping. I was a lot like you as far as being really sensitive to other peoples' pain and I would just eat things up rather than say something. I think that if you teach girls (and show them) a more peaceful, kind way to deal with conflict then they won't turn in to mean girls. I'm just rambling. Sorry. I hope this makes sense. I KNOW that you'll be a great mom for this little girl. She'll learn kindness, humility, humor, empathy and love (not to mention tons more) from her awesome mom!
On another note, have you seen the movie "Mean Girls" lately? It's hilarious!
P.S. Ditto that! I seem to be online when Jess gets home from work and comments. :P She and I have similar movie tastes. I *love* the movie Mean Girls!
aww, you guys are nice. but i still disagree a little bit. i'm not the only influence on my kids, and behaviors are learned outside the home as well. i guess i can only hope that my influence will be the strongest, since i'm SO sweet. :)
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