because confrontation makes me cry

for some reason i have been over the top emotional the past few weeks (AND NO, I AM NOT PREGNANT). tonight i was playing outside with the boys when a neighbor came out and ripped into me about my boys. they're too loud, they're too messy, they cause problems, they're always in the way, and on and on and on. he said that i could no longer let them use the hose outside (we often go out and take turns spraying the hose) because some water got on his balcony. i apologized for the water and for bothering him, unhooked the hose, and told the boys to quiet down a little. then he put his hand on my shoulder, and said, rather condescendingly, "i know how little kids are, i had them myself, but i don't want to hear or see them again. not again, young lady." and then he went inside.

and then i started to cry. i was so mad, and i wanted so badly to stand up for myself and my kids, but in general, confrontation makes me cry--even just the thought of it. as i thought through all the things i wanted to say to this man, i cried and cried and cried. i recognize this as part of the emotional few weeks, but also as a real character flaw, and something i've always hated about myself. so once i was finally over the anger of it, i tried thinking rationally about it, and cried some more. i just can't help it. but i decided i couldn't just let it stand. i thought over what i wanted to say, cried some more, and tried again. this time i didn't cry.

i took the boys inside, told them to stay there, and marched over to their house. i knocked on the door and willed myself not to cry. he opened the door and i said, "hi. i'm your neighbor. we've never met" and shook his hand. "my name is emily. my kids are isaac and noah. we live in a condo just like you with no back yard. we play outside. and i'm sorry if my children are too loud for you, but it is not okay for you to talk to me like that-- i'm almost 30 years old and not a child. i will not force my boys to stay inside so that you can have it quiet. i'm sorry if that offends you. i apologize about the water on your balcony. i will institute a one-strike rule, which means if any water from the hose comes near your balcony, we will have to put it away and go inside. but i will not take away the hose. i will not take away their outdoor privileges. you do not own the courtyard and you have no right to say those things to me. you obviously don't remember what it was like having little kids or we wouldn't be having this conversation." and then this was what i was supposed to say next but i could feel the tears coming, so i didn't: "i would also like to add that a few drops from the hose isn't so different from a few drops of rain. do you come out and yell at God when it rains?" but instead i just left.

and then i cried.