How do you teach a stubborn, obstinate, controlling child that the parent is the boss? How far is too far? My words fail to describe the multitude of "scenes" with my children where I have gone from being a firm, consistent mom and through the course of events turned into the ugly mom you sometimes see out in public who you swear you will never become. Not that this always happens in public. But you know what I mean? You know these scenes - even in the privacy of your home - where the child pushes and pushes until nothing but raising your voice makes them listen to what you are saying? The truly sad thing is that raising my voice WORKS. Suddenly a light goes on and the child realizes who is in charge and that I'm not going to budge. I hate yelling at my kids. I feel 100% icky inside when I do. It feels wrong. I've been told all my life by people I trust that it is wrong. So, what is the answer? How do you teach these especially stubborn children who is in charge without raising my voice and turning into the ugly mom monster? Please don't tell me the answer is "consistency". I am consistent...Tonight my kids were sent to bed by the ugly monster mom. Each of them had pushed me again and again in their own, unique way. I knew that "calm, stern and consistent mom" wasn't getting any results...BUT IT WORKED. And then I felt disgustingly sick inside. SO, this is my big question; my greatest concern; the answer I'm afraid I will discover to be true: You just can't parent effectively AND feel good about yourself at the end of an especially difficult day?
Today was a fine day. Really it was. But something happened tonight to send me over the edge, and I can't even put my finger on exactly what it was, just mostly a culmination of frustrations I think. I've been working hard on controlling my temper with Isaac because he just pushes my buttons over and over again day after day. I've been doing a good job, too. Then tonight he was just off the wall, out of control, and nothing I did would chill him out. We were trying to do family home evening, singing songs that he likes, doing stories that he wants to do, and as we're saying the prayer, he is literally jumping up and down on the couch, shaking the jingle bells, being as disruptive as possible, and as Dave is praying for patience and kindness I'm just about to snap. The prayer is over and I do. Isaac never knows what to do when the Wrath of Mom shows up but COME ON! He is three years old! It's time to sit and fold your arms during the prayer! I mean seriously, he is going to Primary in a month, and this week I look into the nursery room and all the kids (even the 18 month olds) are sitting on their chairs listening to the lesson, and Isaac is on the floor behind them, still playing with toys. I think part of me worries about him, with two autistic kids in our family, that he might have some form of autism too. He hates loud noises, says they hurt his ears, and just does not go along with anything anyone wants him to do, no matter who or what it is. It's fine if he wants to march to the beat of his own drum, but this seems like more than that. Either there's something wrong with him, or there's something wrong with me, because this just doesn't feel right to me. I understand stubbornness and rebellion, but this seriously feels like something different. But like Suziepetunia said, yelling works. When nothing else works with him, I yell, and I feel sick inside, but he finally finally listens and obeys. I'm so tired of this cycle. I just want to be a happy family but I don't know how to do it when he is so determined to make me unhappy. Why is yelling the only thing that works with him? Why does he refuse to listen until I'm about to punch my hand through a window? Why is he so determined to be difficult? So now he's asleep and I feel guilty and want to hug him and tell him I'm sorry...and then it's going to start all over again tomorrow and I hate it. In the words of Suziepetunia, "Surely parenthood is the greatest quandary in the universe."
11 comments:
Guilt goes with the territory, autism or not.
Best wishes
I am completely honored that you have quoted me. But even more, I feel very relieved that someone else understands how I feel! Fortunately today was a very good mommy day and the mommy monster did not have to make an appearance. I love days like that.
Me too...for me the saddest part is that the mommy monster never appeared until after my second was born. Me and Isaac were buds, best friends, who did everything together and loved it! going shopping, going to thanksgiving point to play, the park, the grocery store, everything was fun. then i had this new kid and all of a sudden isaac and i became monsters of our own kind. i hate it. i miss my friend isaac!
I feel your pain, sister! I used to think I was nice and patient - but being a mom has revealed my multitude of weaknesses!
Emily, I subscribe to many blogs using bloglines, yours among them. Today, I see this post and then this one. I think it's common among many--you're simply brave enough to be open about it. Kudos to you.
We definitely all feel your pain. I know what you mean about the second child adding a level of difficulty. Beth and I were pretty buddy-buddy too before James came along, and now I'm always on her case about something or she's driving me crazy. I hate the mommy monster too. But we are all trying our hardest and doing our best, and that's all we can expect while our kids are little! We'll figure it out eventually! :)
First, thank you.
Thank you for being honest about the reality of motherhood. I read too many blogs that leave me feeling like I am the only woman struggling with my role as a mother and that maybe I shouldn't have become a mom. To them, motherhood is perfect and wonderful. To me, it's frustrating, LOADS of work, guilt, worry, but I know it's worth it. Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom, but there are those days where I wish I could just run away.
Second, Carly was the exact same way. She was a quiet, cute baby and toddler and then she turned two, and then THREE! She was stubborn, wouldn't listen, misbehaved, etc. I worried that she had ADD or something. Then she turned four and things began to change. She calmed down, I could reason with her and she understood consequences. Now, I'm not saying that the mommy monster still doesn't appear, but things are MUCH better.
Third, listen to your mother's intuition. If you really feel like something isn't right, look into what's your next step.
Fourth, what kind of robotic 1 and half year olds are in your ward? NOT MINE!! Even Carly has a hard time being reverent unless she's the one saying the prayer.
Fifth, keep your chin up, take a deep breath, and remember in the morning they'll crawl into bed with you, give you a kiss and say, "I love you mommy" because they do. They really do--ugly mom monster and all.
I felt like a mommy monster today (and I only have one kid). It's nice to read posts and comments like these...Being a mom has made me realize just how much I need to improve myself. Patience being the most vital thing I've got to work on.
I sure appreciate how easily the kiddos forgive and still manage to love us. Being a mom does have some great moments, huh? The love for your child is just like no other and it's a fantastic thing. As tough as it is- being a mom is so rewarding!
thanks everyone. really. and em is right--the DO forgive, very easily. it's like he doesn't even remember what just happened and wants me to come play. it's amazing. and the rewards heavily outweigh the bad days...i just happened to have a bad one on monday. thanks again y'all!
I know I'm very late posting a reply here but I just wanted to say Em, you are a good mom. Not a perfect mom or maybe not the best mom, but you are a good mom. You are at home taking care of your kids, feeding them, playing with them, reading to them, disciplining them, and teaching them the gospel. Every single mother knows how you feel whether they'll own up to it or not. But, give yourself a little credit...you're doing a good job. We've had a little reminder around here that some parents don't do as good a job as you're doing.
thanks sar!
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