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| noah swimming (in 2010) |
on sunday in general conference one of the speakers said "you wouldn't see a person drowning and say 'are you okay? what can i do for you?'" it made me laugh, having just had the experience of not thinking twice to jump in a pool with my clothes on and help my little boy. it also made me think. i very very often say "what can i do for you?" to people in need. but that's not the way to help. the way to help is to jump in without forethought and just DO. my sister who has recently had some trials in her family would never really ask for help. but she has found it in the people that just jump in and help anyway and it has allowed her to be served in a way she hadn't experienced before.
what do you do when you see a need? are you a jump right in kind of person, or are you more of an offerer like me? i'm hoping to change my ways and just help when i see it but that's easier said than done. for instance. my cousin's husband has leukemia and is receiving a bone marrow transplant this week. their lives will change dramatically from this transplant, from the way they have to do laundry to how they have to fix meals. i want so badly to help. they live in boston, i'm in new mexico. you see the problem. what would you do in this situation? how do you help friends and family that are far away?
i can't get these thoughts out of my head so i thought i would put it to you and see if we could brainstorm some ideas. not necessarily just for my cousin (them too!) but for all kinds of different situations. what do you do? how do you help?
10 comments:
You could:
1) send them gift cards to local restaurants so they wouldn't have to cook
2) send them a care package with fun little things like a favorite DVD of yours, a good book he can read, etc.
That's all I've got.
He can't eat out. All food has to be cooked from home. But I like your ideas!
My husband was very ill and hospitalized for a VERY long time. My boys were 6 and 9 years old during this illness. I totally agree with your "jump in and do" comments. I would have never asked anyone to help me but there were those that would call and say "what time can I pick up your kids on Saturday", etc., that were literally saving my life. Although your cousin's husband is the one with the serious illness it will actually probably be harder on your cousin. She will be taking care of her husband and her family and trying to keep it all together for everyone. This being said, why don't you send her something nice? Maybe a fun giftcard for a pedicure or a couple of good boooks to read or just anything to brighten her day. Also, just keep in touch to let her know you are thinking about her and love her and her family. You will know what to do.
When I was sick (not as bad as leukemia), my dad sent me cook books, which I love to read even though I didn't feel like cooking.
He also sent me hymns for "meditating" through pain, and comedy CDs like Bill Cosby. I had stopped laughing. And it's so good for the soul.
You could record your kids saying their latest knock-knock jokes, even.
As far as gift cards go, I would have loved one to a site like soap.com. Getting all my household items delivered to my door? Yes, I would take that.
I'm a total lurker here, but this post brought me out. If they can't eat out, what about gift cards to grocery stores they frequent? That way they can have more flexibility to get what they want and not feel like they have to be too hampered by grocery budgets.
Another recent story that spoke to me, but doesn't really help in this situation: My son and I were both sick last week on a day my visiting teacher was supposed to come visiting. I called early in the day to cancel and left her a message. She called while I was napping and asked if she could bring over a meal. I never got back to her and just figured she wouldn't come. However, right around 5:30, she showed up with soup, bread, salad, and dessert, even though I hadn't ever responded. It struck me that if the roles had been reversed, I would have used the excuse that "she never got back to me, I wouldn't want to impose". She seemed to be saying, "here's something you might need" without any concern about my response. Worst case scenario: I already had dinner figured out and we could eat hers the next day.
I think if I considered the worst case scenarios (which are never actually bad) more often, I would be much better at responding to needs with making excuses.
Anyway, amen to your post!
*without making excuses
I always offer, but it seems that everyone almost always says, "Thanks, but I think we'll be okay." And that's what I say, too. But then the last few weeks, I have wished that I had accepted all these offers of people who said they would love to hold my baby for an hour or two so I can take a nap or a shower. But to accept their OFFERS of help, I have to call them and ask for help that day. So it's kind of embarrassing. And if I don't feel like asking for the help that has already been offered to me, then all the people that I offer to help are probably wanting help, too, at least some of the time. Wait, what was your question? Oh, I like the gift card idea, and maybe a merry maid or some other kind of service that you can have sent to their home, unless he can't have other people in his home because of the germs or something. Phone calls really are nice, too. And fun little cards and packages.
First of all, I can't believe I am the first one to comment on the craziness of your pool jumping story. That is SCARY! I think I would have heart palpitations for months after something like that. So glad you saw him in time.
Your post changed my behavior today. A friend said something about her kids still being sick on facebook and I decided to just jump in, and now I have a warm happy feeling about that experience. Thanks friend. I don't know what to suggest for long distance, perhaps we could arrange some sort of family-wide fundraiser? (I'm assuming financial help would always be welcome with a major illness). I just don't know what we could do.
It feels a little weird posting on here since most of the comments are about nice stuff to do for me but I just had too! It might be long...
First of all, how scary for you!! I'm so glad he's ok.
Second, when we heard that talk Frank and I were in the hospital watching conference together and our reaction was that we both literally laughed out loud. Then Frank said, "Truth has been spoken from the pulpit at conference!" Now the only reason we really know this now is because we have been put in the unfortunate situation of actually knowing what its like to need help. I have MANY TIMES been that person saying, "Let me know what I can do to help" and I meant it. And I know people mean it so I can't fault them for saying it because I certainly said it...but it doesn't help. When the same person says it over and over it actually feels like anti-help because you feel like you should be telling them something to do...like it is something else on your plate to do. I know that sounds weird but that's how it has felt to me sometimes. And no one who really needs help is going to call. I either don't have the time or energy to actually call you (it's more work to call than to just forget about getting the thing done or doing it myself)or I'm in the weird situation of feeling like I'm going to ask someone to do something and it will be a bad time for them or something and they'll feel obligated and it will be awkward...
We are all reticent to just jump in because we don't want to step on toes. Some people might not want us just assuming they want this or that. I've been there. So I know its a tough line. But I can honestly say that the people who have been the most help to me are the ones who have picked up on subtle things I've said or things they've just seen and then just done them. I've had other people who don't know what to do who have stopped by with a potted flower and some cookies. It was a very nice gesture and thoughtful.
Emails are nice especially when they have uplifting thoughts and don't necessarily expect a reply. Texts asking how things are going and expecting a reply...not as helpful. Friends who understand that I'm overwhelmed and not as available to them but they are still available to me are helpful.
I guess I'm going on and on but I think you get the point.
I think maybe a nice way to do it if you think someone needs help would be to say for example "I will be at your house (without kids) at this time on this day (that way they can tell you if it's honestly a bad time). If you have something specific you want done, leave me a list on the counter (so they don't have to sit and tell you what to do) if not, I will plan to do any dishes that need doing and vacuum and clean one bathroom". That way, they know what you are doing. It's not a surprise. They can leave a list if they have a need and they don't feel guilty about it and they can do their own thing while you are there. It might not work for everyone but that would have worked for me, in general. It would work the same for bringing a dinner or watching their kids...just give them a day and time. Don't ask. In that situation they are unlikely to say No but if you ask they are not going to say Oh Yes, I need you to take my kids or feed me or whatever.
And as I've said, I've totally been on the other side so I'm not judging. I hope that this experience helps me to be better at jumping in now that I know!
I love you Emily for thinking of us. I wish SO MUCH that I was closer to family right now. An hour with sisters or girl cousins would sure be nice :-) But I read your blog on my phone so its almost like being there. You are awesome!
i've been thinking about this post since yesterday and how to respond. i like to think that if there is something that i can do i do it. i offer when i don't know what to to do. does that make sense?
as for what you can do, the first thing i thought of since reading your comment that they can't eat out. is if you can, offer to pay for a house cleaning service. something like that? or have you heard of Dream Dinners? if there is a local one where they live call the shop and see if they would be willing to prep the meals and take them over to where they need to be.
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