how the shower squeegee changed america (or, the real cause of global warming)

is there any felicity superior to a perfect, hot shower? just the right amount of water pressure; the water is warm, bordering on too hot, so that your skin is a little pink; the room is foggy with the steam; you stand under the running water for a few extra minutes just because it is the best feeling in the world. you feel awake, rejuvenated, clean. quickly, you turn off the shower and reach for your big, fluffy towel to wrap up in, when you see it.

the shower squeegee.


















and just like that, the good the shower did runs down the drain (pun intended).

now you have to stand there naked, wet, and cold while you squeegee off all four walls. the cold and dirty wall-water splashes on your once-clean feet and legs and runs from the squeegee to your hand and down your arm and you start shivering.

now i know it's better to do this now than to deal with the water spots later, but it is my contention that the shower squeegee may be responsible for a myriad of america's problems...starting with global warming.

that's right, i said global warming. people take nice warm showers, then hop out and go about their day, everything's fine. but when you have to squeegee, all that changes. you are now freezing, and it is impossible to get warm again. you bundle up and head outside in the summertime, and of course it feels hotter than normal. you're an icicle because you had to spend all that time squeegeeing. also, all that water on the walls that would normally evaporate and help your skin feel soft and moisturized is down the drain so you have to use more lotion, which means less money to purchase other things and more waste (you know, empty bottles filling up the landfills). with less water in the air it rains less often, so the plants and trees and grass start dying. less water causes a drought, which makes it hard for farmers to grow food. if there's no food, we have to start importing more and more.
that's expensive.
prices rise.
and all of a sudden, we're in a recession.

wait, there's more:

parents are grouchy;
kids are running their homes;
people want to redefine marriage;
there's pollen in the air;
crime rates go up;
gas prices increase;
it snows in march;
banks are failing;
car companies are going bankrupt...

...and it all started a few years ago,
when shower squeegees became mainstream.

coincidence? i think not.