the other yearly exam

I got my first pair of glasses during the summer before fifth grade. I got contacts less than a year later. My mom had to practically beg the ophthalmologist to give them to me at that age, but I got 'em. That means I've worn contacts for 17 years. Whew, that makes me feel old. I've always hated wearing glasses. I had an eye infection once in college and had to wear my glasses for a week. At one point I got so sick of them I actually took them off and threw them across the room. I must have been feeling dramatic that night. Luckily they didn't break...but I almost wished they had. I despise wearing glasses, and would almost rather not see than wear them. So once a year, I make the trek to the eye doctor, swallow my dignity, and get a new prescription (that is getting steadily worse every year) so I can order new contacts.

I gotta say, I hate going to the eye doctor more than the gynecologist. I mean, nobody's going to look at your cervix and tell you you can't drive anymore, right? Every time I go to the eye doctor I feel like I'm undergoing a test, and if I fail, life is no longer worth living.

"Which is better, one or two? three of four? four or six? five or eight? eight or one?"
By the time they get to number eleven I'm begging for mercy.
"Each one looks exactly the same, please make it stop, please oh please!"
"This isn't a test, just tell me which is better. One or seven hundred forty-three?"
"One."
"Hmmm, really?"
"No. The other one. Wait, lemme see them again....nope. They're exactly the same."

I always feel like the doctor is thinking, "What? She has no idea what she's talking about. These are completely different lenses!" or else "Those were the exact same lense, and she said number four was better...she's a moron."

And then they put you in a dark waiting room while your eyes dilate and leave you. They know you aren't going anywhere because you don't have your contacts in, so you are totally at the mercy of these people. You don't even know what the doctor looks like, so you can't search him down if he forgets you. Oh look, they have magazines on the table. Right, like anyone is going to be able to read one of those while their pupils take over their eyes, with no contacts or glasses, in a dark room. You also can't play tetris on your cell phone (I tried) because you can't focus and those little pieces on that little tiny screen require focus. Twenty minutes, alone, in the dark, with nothing to do but think, is a very long time. And they know it. And they leave you there forever just so you can sit and go a little crazy while you wait, wondering if you passed or not.

And then it starts all over. "Which is better, one or two?"

Then they hand you those ridiculous glasses and expect you to walk out to your car with them.

Eye doctors are out to make people look like morons. And in my case, they are wildly successful.