what i believe: cast not away therefore your confidence

a little over 7 years ago i was dating this really cool guy. he was funny and smart and i really liked him. but i had just had my 21st birthday and was planning to go on a mission. i met with my bishop, got my mission papers, and was so excited to begin this new phase in my life. as i was talking about this with this really cool guy, he goes..."um, i have a ring for you."

what?! seriously? i mean, of course i had thought about marrying him...what girl doesn't think about marrying somebody they've been dating for longer than 2 weeks? but i tell you, that ring comment was very unexpected. i fully expected to go on a mission--no other rational thought had ever entered my mind. i had a lot of thinking, soul-searching, and praying to do. what choice was i going to make? how was i going to decide? it was a serious time of turmoil for me. i prayed. my brother gave me a blessing. i talked to my parents. i prayed some more. each time i prayed i had an answer, but i still felt so lost. and then one day i happened to turn on the tv. it was 11:00, and a devotional was on. it wasn't tuesday so it wasn't new, but it caught my attention because it was elder holland, and i love to hear him speak. so i sat and listened. it was originally delivered on march 2, 1999. it's called "cast not away therefore your confidence." i sat mesmerized as i listened to this two-year-old talk that was written for me. for me specifically. for that day. for that time. he told me exactly how to get my answer. in fact, he reminded me that i already had my answer. and he told me to not be afraid of it. i already knew i was supposed to marry dave. i knew it the moment he said he had a ring. the problem was, my plans were different. my family's plans for me were different. but he told me to move forward, and he told me not to be afraid. he said "...once there has been genuine illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don't give up when the pressure mounts....Face your doubts. Master your fears. 'Cast not away therefore your confidence.' Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you."

elder holland teaches a few lessons: the first, that the adversary does have power to hedge up the way, but he cannot conquer if we will it otherwise. and second, fear plays a destructive, paralyzing role and we have to look to the illumination we received previously. the example he uses is when moses was fleeing with the hebrews from egypt and all they could see was the red sea ahead and the egyptians behind and they said it would have been better to serve the egyptians than to die in the wilderness.
and elder holland says, "how soon we forget. it would not have been better to stay and serve the Egyptians, and it is not better to....put off marriage." can you imagine hearing this talk at that time in my life?

that was it. i knew what i had to do. i told dave that night that i wasn't going on a mission and we were engaged a few days later. oddly, it was one of the hardest and easiest things i've ever done. i felt like i was giving up on one dream, but somehow gaining another. and i was scared. i was young. i was terrified to tell my family, and i was terrified of getting married.

this example is something i have held on to lots of times since then. the lessons of this talk are something i think about all the time. it applies to everything. he said,

Some days we will be miraculosly led out of egypt--seemingly free, seemingly on our way--only to come to yet another confrontation, like all that water lying before us. At those times we must resist the temptation to panic and to give up. at those times fear will be the strongest of the adversary's weapons against us. "And Moses said unto the people, Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord....The Lord shall fight for you."

and that's the third lesson of the talk: that the Lord will provide a means and a way. if He gave you revelation about something, He will also provide a way, even when it seems impossible. "Fighting through darkness and despair and pleading for the light is what opened this dispensation. It is what keeps it going, and it is what will keep you going."

"Fear ye not." And when the second and the third and the fourth blows come, "fear ye not...The Lord shall fight for you." "Cast not away therefore your confidence."

you can read the full talk here. it's worth your time.

image: the parting of the red sea by arnold friberg